Death

I really don't know what to title this post. It's been a rough couple of days in my career. For those of you that don't like reading medical/sad things, don't read this.

One of my favorite patients at work has been hanging onto life these past few days. She had been on hospice for about a month. Cancer - cancer is what did this to her. It ate away at her body and whittled her already emaciated body down to that of a skeleton. She was in excruciating pain. Even the morphine that we as nurses administered to her didn't help at times.

When she was first admitted to my wing, she was FULL OF LIFE. Absolutely. She was up and walking around, talkative, so funny, and annoying at times. She always wanted to get up to go to the bathroom. She would always pat my arm after giving her the medication and say, "You are always so caring for me!" She didn't know who I was every day I worked with her, but she would always thank me, up until she stopped talking last week.

I just couldn't believe at how awful she looked at the end. Her feet and hands were bluish/purple. Mouth dry. Eyes closed. Skin so fragile, it would almost break if you touched it. She could barely even get a moan out. I went in to give her some morphine and other medications at 5:00. She took the morphine, but couldn't swallow the other medications, even though I had crushed them and put them in applesauce. She couldn't even swallow water. I left the room and not even five minutes later, the roommates visitor came and got me.

"I think she just passed away. She hasn't been breathing for a minute."

"Oh my gosh. Crap."

I rushed into the room. Tried to feel for a carotid pulse. Nothing. Got my stethoscope and tried to hear for a heartbeat or breath sounds. Nothing. She was gone. Slipped away. I kept thinking that the last thing I did for her was get rid of her pain. I got the other nurse I was working with to listen for any heartbeat and she said she was gone also. Since I'm an RN, I can declare death. I had no idea I held that power - to declare that someone's life had just ended. It ended at 5:17 PM. Call the family. Call the hospice. Call the doctor. Call the mortician. Perform post-mortem care. Those CNA's that did that did a wonderful job. She looked like she was sleeping after they took care of her.

Her poor daughter. Oh man - she had just asked me the other day how her death would be. I hoped for her sake that it would be quiet. It was. I thought it was fitting that she passed away on a Sunday - the day of rest. The day when her body and soul are finally put at rest and she goes to be with her Lord.

It made me think about how I want to die in the future. I don't want anything bad to happen. No heart attacks, no violent death, no pain. I just want to slip peacefully away like this sweet lady. It really makes you think about your own life. How are you living? What are you doing with your time on this earth? Are you really doing the things that are important? Are you taking the time to demonstrate your love and caring for the people around you? Life is short. Live it to the fullest.